A Change of Scenery

The beginning of a new year is a time when most reflect on the prior year and set up goals and intentions for what they’d like to achieve over the coming months. And for me - it certainly was quite a year. A year that I would say has been extremely challenging, but also enlightening in some ways. Being faced with situations so heavy and navigating my way through them along with making decisions to help keep me moving onward towards my goal of balance & peace - it all was a true test.

Looking back over the past year - the one word & feeling that comes to mind is pride. I’m so proud of myself for putting me first in decision making. This may sound a bit selfish, but if you knew me - you’d know I’m the furthest thing from it. I’m a true people pleaser that hates conflict and who has been in co-dependent relationships for many years where I would always put other’s needs ahead of my own. Putting me first is huge growth and it’s the steps I needed to start to get my life back. To reconnect with myself.

But what does that really mean? People say it all the time about how they’re getting in touch with their inner self, their passions, their purpose. But HOW? This past year I had come to realize how vitally important all areas of personal wellness are and how they all intertwined to help you reconnect with yourself.

While going through some of the toughest moments from the past year, I did have to keep telling myself… ‘Always Onward… Always Onward’ because they were some of the hardest decisions I had to make. But I knew by keeping that forward momentum… it was the right decision. And that right now - you’re going through it. But you will make it through this to the hope of a better day. I still remind myself… ‘Onward.’

The beginning of last year I had gone through some challenging times with my ex. We both still really care for each other to this day and remain friends. We look out for one another & we want the best for each other. So when my ex needed me, I was there. However, I needed to remain aware of my feelings and truly search out what I wanted. If I just did what I had done in the past and just cave to what others needed from me, I would be stuck in this vicious cycle and never achieve true peace or happiness with myself. It honestly took every ounce of my being to not cave. I hate seeing people in pain and hurt - it breaks my heart. All I wanted to do was to tell him - let’s get back together and disregard the past year and work through it. However if I did this - I wasn’t being honest. I wasn’t be honest with him nor would I be honest with myself. I’d be reacting to the current situation and just trying to make it all okay for him. Putting my needs second to his. While I do care for him deeply because we had many wonderful times together and I genuinely care about him as a person - I had to choose me and what I needed. I needed peace & balance in my life. I was tired of living in a constant state of stress & anxiety.

In one of my therapy sessions after I shared what was going on, my therapist asked me, “you separated in January of 2023 - it’s now March of 2024… do you want to be in this situation another year, living in a house shared with your ex?” I told her “no - no I don’t.” This situation over the last year has been mentally & emotionally draining for me and I was exhausted. I had needed a break from it all and I wanted to get away. I had planned a trip to St. Augustine, Florida for a week - just to rest and recharge. Once I had landed - got my car and started driving away feeling the sunshine on my face - it was like a weight had been lifted. I was enjoying just being with myself - listening to some tunes, windows down and exploring new areas. I got to my AirBnB which was this gorgeous beach cottage with a private courtyard, outdoor shower, hammock - just a few blocks from the beach. I took out the bike and road it down to the shore and was able to ride the bike on the beach through the waves coming in. That was a first for me! So much fun that I felt like I was a kid again. I hadn’t ridden a bike in a very long time, but it’s like they say - once you learn… you never forget.

While in St. Augustine - I would explore the town and hit up some local places for food. But one day, I did end up staying at the AirBnB all day - just in the courtyard. It’s here - I actually started creating my Always Onward site and actually did a soft launch of it back in April on that trip. I just never told anyone about it because I still wanted to update a few things, but it was live. While down in Florida and getting to spend time in that beach cottage, I had realized how calm I felt. Staying in this space on my own for the week, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be out on my own. I needed this sense of peace in my daily life and not just on a vacation. I needed a change.

The reason why I didn’t move out or sell the house after separating from my ex was because of cost. Houses & rents were up, considerably. My mortgage payment was incredibly low and had a great interest rate on it. And the options were limited with my ex… either buy each other out, refinance and do a loan or someone could walk away and give up any proceeds or ownership to the house entirely. Neither of us wanted to or could afford to do any of those options. For me at the time - I put my financial wellness ahead of my mental or environmental wellness. I didn’t want to move into a new house and pay more or into an apartment that I’m not going to own and still pay a lot more than what I was for a house. And then not knowing if I’d be able to afford my bills and just living expenses.

After having a conversation with my really good friend - she made the comment that, “I’m sure you’ll be fine. It always seems worse when looking at it, but in reality - you do what you have to do and will make it work and usually find that it’s not as bad as you thought it was.” I really took that advice to heart because it’s true. Sometimes we just need to take that leap of faith and put in the work. It’s not easy… if it were - everyone would do it. But the payoff when it does work out feels amazing.

Now here I was - needing a change, terrified of the financial decision I was contemplating, fear of the unknown, fear of failure, but also feeling excited. Excited by the prospect of having my own place and having that sense of freedom and independence. I had told myself that you cannot preach about Always Onward and the ‘Onward’ way and not actually live it. It’s a way of life and instead of being stuck in this situation - move onward… remember - Always Onward… to a brighter future.

I knew that moving into a house wasn’t going to be a real possibility because we’d have to get the house fixed, listed & shown. That was going to take quite a bit of time and I needed the funds from the house to buy another house. I also would be locked into a mortgage and at this point in my life - I didn’t want to be in another really long term commitment that you’d have to go through selling to get out of. I wanted flexibility that in case a future possibility opened up - I would just have an apartment lease. I also didn’t want to have to worry about upkeep of a property. The cost of all that is just too great and too time consuming.

I dove into apartment hunting and after several inquiries and tours - I found my dream apartment. It’s the perfect size one bedroom apartment in a restored historic farmhouse. I also feel I was meant to move here because it just so happens that the house is a historical site that was actually a stop on the Underground Railroad for people seeking freedom. Perhaps it’s a sign that I’m on the right path towards that brighter future?

Moving was a bit emotional because I had to go through all of my belongings and things shared with my ex. I knew to move onward - I had to let them go. They’re just material things and I have the memory of it to look back on. I took pictures of some belongings in case I ever wanted to refer back to them. Moving into my new place - I mainly just had boxes. I had to buy furniture because I didn’t want to take what was from the house. I wanted my new place to be mine - something fresh & new. I didn’t want to bring in stuff from the past or hand me downs. I know that may sound bad, but this was going to be my space. I wanted it to be mine - not a collection of things from other people that was going to serve as a constant reminder. So I thrifted around my new neighborhood & Facebook Marketplace. I found some amazing finds for incredibly cheap that people refurbished that are quality pieces. It took a few weeks, but once I fully moved in, unpacked and hung pictures on the wall - I finally felt like I was home. And for the first time in a really long time - I felt peace. My first night sleeping in my apartment was pure bliss. It was so quiet. No kids yelling or screaming next door, no smell of weed at 3AM, no loud barking dogs and no doors banging. I remember waking up feeling so refreshed and rejuvenated. And many times - as I get into bed and lay there feeling all cozy… I would say, “I love my apartment” and then I’d drift off to sleep. I knew I had made the right choice.

Now the stress did continue for some time because we still had to get the house fixed and prepped for the realtors to show. It took a few months, but we were able to get it listed and sold relatively quickly which I was pleased about. But after doing work at the house - I would get home to my apartment and have such an appreciation for my new space. It was mine… all mine. Just having such a sense of pride that I did it. If you had asked me two years before this moment if I could have imagined being here in my own place, I’d tell you there was no way. But I did it.

Having moved into my own space and selling the house - it has truly been a weight lifted. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t residual feelings or emotions. This is a whole process and every part of the journey is like taking baby steps. My environmental wellness has been so much more improved which has helped to improve my mental state. I do find that I’m productive and have more energy. I’m enjoying exploring my new town and surrounding areas. Meeting new people and working on getting more involved in my community. It just goes to show the power of your environment and how that can tie into your mental, emotional, social and even intellectual wellness. Now you may be wondering “how’s your financial wellness since you were really worried about that and held you back?“ My friend was right and it does work out. It’s not to say I didn’t have to make cuts or adjustments, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I’m still able to spend and save which was my biggest worry. All in all - it was a wonderful decision and I feel like I’m on the right path in my journey.

My goal for the coming months is to embrace this change and my new normal. To further my connection with my inner self and dive into beliefs, interests & passions I had once ignored. This is the first time in my life that I’ve ever truly been on my own. There are days and weeks sometimes that I feel really uncomfortable because it’s not what I’m used to. I’m used to constant stress and anxiety - so not being in that daily feels off to me. But I’m working through embracing my freedom and independence. Having my space and the time to work on myself has unlocked deeper levels of self-reflection and processing emotions I didn’t realize were there. Being in my previous situation was like a barrier and now that I’ve worked through it… Onward.

I challenge each and every single person to really evaluate your environmental situation. I know we all have different circumstances. I’m not saying you need to make drastic changes, but even if it’s a small change to your space at home or at work to make it more calming or happy - do it! You never know how that small change will affect your overall wellness. Small changes have big impacts over time… trust me.