Pure Joy

Joy… pure honest to goodness joy.

It’s this feeling that comes and goes over time. When it strikes, it leaves you feeling elated, gives you a little extra pep in your step and keeps you feeling good all day long. We all have this feeling from time to time and for me, that feeling came a few days ago. But to give a little context, let me back-up a bit.

At my job, my boss was having his team fly in for a sales meeting. While they were here, my boss had wanted the team to relax, unwind, and have fun. A little team building activity of sorts. You see, my boss is a lover of the game Paddle Ball. It’s similar to Pickle Ball, but has some different rules and game play. But he had wanted us all to come down to his club to play a few games. Most of the group didn’t know what to expect having not played it before. But once everyone got there - we were all hooked. So many good plays, team work, friendly competition and good laughs. I only played 2 rounds and did okay, but was left with this feeling I had long forgotten about. The feeling of being active, playing games, and having fun.

I had thought to myself, “what is stopping you from playing games?” I’m a grown ass man - I can go out and play a game if I wanted. There’s lots of sporting groups and even gay ones you could join. But of course that tiny, yet massive voice in my head likes to spew it’s negativity… “you’re not good enough… you’re clumsy, you’ll get hurt and break something… you’ll look like an idiot… no one will want to play with you… you don’t know what you’re doing… people will make fun of you for how you play…”. It’s easy to fall victim to those evil voices in your head. We all have them, but you can’t let them win. It’s important to understand where it stems from though. For me, it comes from some childhood distress that I’m working through.

When I was a kid, my parents & grandmother signed me up for little league baseball. They had thought that since my brother did it and enjoyed it, it’d be good for me to do it too. Boy were they wrong. I knew nothing about baseball, nor did I care to learn. But the first day of practice came about and I remember the coach telling me to play the shortstop position. I wandered the field for almost the entire practice because I had no idea where the hell I was supposed to be. “Where the hell is shortstop?” I thought to myself. By the end of the practice after my coach and other team mates were frustrated with me, I finally understood I was supposed to be between second and third plate. I hated it and I could feel others judging me and that feeling of disappointment in letting them down. I also remember seeing my brother & my niece off to the side playing tag with each other as the sun was setting. It’s an image I’ll always remember because while I’m standing somewhere on this baseball field doing something I didn’t want to do, I saw what I wanted - to be with my family playing tag instead. But I powered through… made it through practice to go back a few days later, dreading it. I went up to the coach and asked, “Where do you want me coach?” He looked at me and said he didn’t have my name on his roster. I remember my grandmother saying, “What do you mean? He was just here the other day!” She was getting all annoyed and yelling at the coach, but next thing I remembered - I was with her in the car driving back home. While as a kid - I was thrilled I didn’t have to do that again. As an adult though, I realize that this event is one of those moments that has caused me to have negative thoughts about myself. They create this inner anxiety that not only is about playing sports, but deeper parts of my life when it comes to work, social, intimate and inner self relationships. This anxiety sometimes causes me to miss out on life experiences because it’s just easier and safer to be at home.

I have to remind myself… “You are stronger than your anxiety.” These past few years has proved that. But it’s all about baby steps (a common theme in my life recently). Something as simple as asking a friend if they wanted to hang out takes a lot. Most may think it’s no big deal, but to me - that rejection is personal. I turn back to me and ask, what’s wrong with me that they don’t want to hang out with me? And again - I need to remind myself, “You are stronger than your anxiety.” It’s like a reality check I need to do with myself. People may have other plans or obligations. No one is saying they don’t want to hang out with you, it’s all in your head. No one has given you any reason to think otherwise… just relax. This is not the coach pretending that he doesn’t remember you, rejecting you.

So when my friend and I had gone out to lunch and were catching up, he had asked me how the night out with my team went. I shared with him the nights events and how much fun it was. But I told him that there really aren’t a lot of Paddle courts around, but one game I have been dying to play was Pickleball. I mentioned to him that if he’s interested in playing, to let me know. Fortunately he said he was and hadn’t played either. Fast forward a few days into the week, I asked him if he wanted to play over the weekend and he agreed. If only you knew how much of a big step that was for me to ask - you’d be as thrilled as I was. For me to play a physical game is not something I do… it’s actually pretty far outside of my comfort zone. The last time I actually played a sport was back in High School, only because I was forced to in gym class. Sure I may have done some random things with my brother, sister & family - but that’s different. To ask a friend to do this, well outside of my comfort zone. It’s me being really vulnerable because I’m facing my childhood distress. Putting myself out there and just seeing what happens. Because lately, I’ve been embracing this new affirmation in times like these… “Fuck it!” When there is something that I’m nervous to do, but know it would be good for me to push myself outside my comfort zone - “Fuck it - what’s the result gonna be? The person tells me no? It’s not the end of the world… we keep moving onward.”

Now here we are - the day of the game. I had been getting more and more excited as the day got closer, watching some YouTube videos to learn how to play. We get to the court and we do some practice just hitting the ball back and forth. We’re each just learning and getting a feel for the game. Then it’s show time! Since we’re playing singles and not doubles, you have more of the court to manage. We had some awesome plays where we made each other run from one side of the court to the other - narrow misses and heroic saves. We had played two games - lost the first one and won the second one. But at the end of it - we congratulated each other on a game well played and then made our way over to the shade to hang out with his family to cool off and just chit chat. I had shared with them about Always Onward and what it’s about and how I’ve been working to live my life by this philosophy. To learn from the past, but not be stuck in it. To take those lessons into tomorrow, but to be present and enjoy today - which I told them that I was enjoying being in their company, in the shade on that lovely Sunday.

Afterwards - we departed ways and I went to the store to grab a few grocery items along with picking up a Pickle Ball paddle set of my own that I can keep with me. Because the friend I played with said maybe we can play after work or other friends I had told about me playing - said they’d be interested and I wanted to make sure I was prepared. But that afternoon at home, I just had this extra pep in my step and was smiling. I had thought about what this feeling was & why it was so strong today. I’d realized that what I had done today was combine so many areas of my personal wellbeing into playing Pickle Ball in the morning that I was left with this feeling of pure joy.

• Physical Wellness - being active and using muscles that I don’t normally use. Feeling great to get my body actually moving again. Not just going for walks or strength training, but actually putting my whole body into it.

• Environmental Wellness - being outside and enjoying the fresh air. While yes, it was a pretty hot and humid day that had us both soaked in sweat by the end of playing & sunburned - it was great to be under the sun getting some vitamin D.

• Intellectual Wellness - learning a new sport and trying something completely new. Investing the time to learn about the rules instead of just mindless scrolling on social media. There was purpose behind what I was doing online.

• Financial Wellness - while there is a cost associated to the gear, finding out that there are plenty of courts around where I live that are free to use because their in public parks was a huge win.

• Social Wellness - getting to play with my friend and share that experience of learning something new. Encouraging each other while still being competitive. Having those negative self thoughts you used to have squashed because you both had a good time playing. And then getting to hang out all together to just catch up and also get to know each other a little better just helps build stronger friendships.

• Mental Wellness - by playing, the physical activity helps to release endorphins that help to boost one’s mood and have stress-relieving effects. Being present and mindful in the moment because that is the primary focus.

All of these wellness areas were impacted by the effects of playing Pickle Ball for me. We all don’t get to combine this many wellness areas all the time, so when it happens I truly believe that’s when we feel pure and utter joy. It’s when we are at one with ourselves because everything is aligning. And when you’re full of joy about something - that joy is contagious and infectious. Going to work on Monday and talking to people about playing Pickle Ball, several people said to me I’m interested in it to, but haven’t played yet - can you teach me or play with me? Friends I’ve shared this with - now we’re making plans to play. I posted a picture from that day saying I found a new hobby in playing Pickle Ball - receiving a lot of engagement and comments about how others love it or people sending me messages saying they want to play with me and to set up time. This led to the following weekend, getting to play 6 more games with even more friends!!

That once small child that was rejected by his coach and made him feel unwanted, useless, pathetic, undesirable is now inspiring others to pick up the paddle to play Pickle Ball. Teaching others how to play and having people wanting to play with me. This just goes to show that we are all stronger than our anxieties if we put in the effort. We each have the power to make progress, one swing at a time.